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Confessions - Learn from Me

Journal Entry: Tue Oct 16, 2012, 1:00 PM
Okay, I'll be trying to make this simple. To explain the latest journal, and to share an experience that might help others that are in the same boat as me.


First things first: The original problem.

Ever since age 10-11 i've developed a very abstract way to see things. I've started thinking more and more how it would've been, If I could control the world. If I could be anything.
Create my worlds, live my worlds, die many times but keep the experiences before.
Rebirthing myself in another body with the experience I have now: I would be great. Phenomenal. I could fix my past mistakes.

And be so much more. Live so much more. Without fearing consequences. The world itself would be my playground.
It has fascinated me since, greatly. ( Monochrome is the artistic embodiment of this abstract emotion and thought.)

It has also been the fuel to my (soon to be developed) depression and suicidal thoughts.
I hate not having control. I hate having to feel bad, when I thought that by dying I would escape this: be a whole other being, a whole other entity, who can only feel happiness and love.

That's wrong.

Overthinking this, dwelling in my scenarios, trying to get ahold of 100% in my life.
It doesn't work like that. And I knew that - reason i wanted to die.

I have a beautiful family, good and close friends. A place to live good. A computer. Pets...all kinds of things that others would die for.
And yet I've been so hard to satisfy lately. Everything I do.


And all of this is the produce of my own thought and mentality. And I knew that.

Besides this, I'm a very, VERY emotionally clingy and caring person. I've always had this thought that if I am nice to everyone, everyone will be nice back to me.
Wrong.
I've just had this problem: i've been hurt. My best friend started ignoring me, treating me badly. I felt it was that something bad happened and she needed space. But when she kept going on, I started to feel like it was my fault.

Thanks to my abusive past relationship, I take guilt on everyone's problems.
I always try to fix everyone's problems, because I care about people.
I really do. And if they're hurt, I'm hurt.

This is a great problem for me. I'm sensitive and caring to people, and I expect them to be, too. And I get hurt when proven otherwise, and neither can I go "hey you hurt me!" because i'm thinking about being a burden to the other.

My psychologist helped me a lot on this, she simply told me to stop trying to control everything. I can't.
I've been constantly good and understanding to my best friend, as I've been to my boyfriend.
Something outside of my reach sent them to their emotional decline, not me.
Problem is i've always taken guilt of this.

And, well, the fact I'm having a hard time fitting in this highschool.
This highschool, unlike the other, has a different aura. A bad aura, unwritten rules: if you're not bad to others, we will to you. Follow the herd.
(Even my psych had a few experiments, and noticed that diff highschools have diff auras)
My past classmates, good friends, who transfered to Goethe alongside me , were, most of them, changed.
They were forced to behave badly to others, or risk getting bullied.
I personally couldn't do it. I couldn't change. My being is nice and friendly, I couldn't do it.
Reason I closed myself, reason for which, again, i've been bullied.

Until 8th grade I managed to make a better rep for myself, now in 10th the guys that used to bully me greet me warmly instead.
I'm working now on being more open, more interested, and show my talents.

Whenever i talk to my classmates outside highschool, they're really sweet... Inside, nobody likes this stupid aura.

I'm trying to help everyone get along, i'm trying to make this class be united, just as I was with my first bestie class.

I'm not running from my feelings and shits anymore, I've been doing this for too long.
I'm  not planning scenarios, just to be let down.

What happens, happens.

Today was a valuable lesson to me.

Tl;dr:
- Any pain you feel, you'll feel again sometime. What you gotta do is learn to survive it. Don't run away from it, don't forget it. Live with it, accept it.
- Life is imperfect AND perfect. Mercyful and mercyless. Has its bits of luck, and bits of bad luck.
- Try to achieve satisfaction in the littlest of things...think of everything you've done in a day, even if it was just drinking delicious juice - it still was something done for your heart.
- However much you love someone, and respect someone, that doean't mean you'll get it back. Don't expect. Don't scenario. Shit happens.


And lastly

Killing yourself won't help you reach what I tried to, what everyone tries to - a perfect life.
Keep the life you've been given precious.
There's so little people like us, sensitive and caring. Too many of us die by overpressure.

Like mom said:   Every beautiful thing is equally fragile. We must learn to face and protect ourself from the taint of the world.



I'm posting this here because a lot of artists are like this. Sensitive, their hearts open and dreaming ~ reasons to become an artist.

(Sorry if I was hard to follow, I'm having a hard time expressing myself </3)


Live life as it is. You never know what will happen. Good or bad.

The key is all in your way of thinking. Just your mind.

Add a Comment:
 
:iconkagisnad:
Kagisnad Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012
Your train of thoughts wasn't very organized, but I understand the message your are trying to send. It's easier said than done, impossible done if you don't have ambition. I am happy to see you have the ambition to change and over come your unfortunate past.
I have to tell you something too, and I hope you will not take it heavily. You over react, you thought I was irritated with you when I said you should stop generalizing, but I said it for you own good. We had an altercation because of your generalizing. If you wish to change, please listen to me. You generalized again, assuming I have a group of friends to study with. I trust I was polite when I told you to stop generalizing, but you took it as an insult and responded in an offended manner.
If you don't listen to outside criticism, how are you to change? I don't want to insult you, I want to open your eyes. You took my criticism very roughly, it was all in good spirit. Please, for the future, don't jump like you did over criticism.
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Also, I didn't assume you had a friends to study with??? We were talking about the paintball thing, nothing about studying. Since you said you were with people when you did it, and turned into a bad experience, I simply assumed that...you had a problem when doing things together with them.

I didn't get the whole "generalizing" thing, because It didn't seem to have anything to do with the subject we were discussing.

I didn't even realize it was "criticism", thanks to...well, the fact that it had nothing to do with the first train of discussions.


Wow, okay. This is why I won't even bother trying to give my advice to you. I'm not trying to be offending, I ain't even offended. It's just a bit disturbing to be talked to about "criticism" and such when it isn't even given to me in the first place.

Just run along, do your own shit. I ain't sticking my nose in it anymore.
Reply
:iconkagisnad:
Kagisnad Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012
I didn't understand you well and you didn't understand me well in that case.

Ok. I hope you will stop over reacting.
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Daca ti-e mai usor, vorbesc pe romaneste. :V

Esti prea crispata. Plangi si ventuiesti pe net, dar cand incearca cineva sa te ajute , gasesti tot felul de scuze. Si nu numai scuze. Iti arati tepii fara motiv si intri offensi-mode.
Te porti ca un fund masiv.

Ce generalizari? De unde sa stiu eu TOT ce se intampla in viata ta? Ok, I assume shit, din cauza asta. Not my problem din moment ce nu zici tot.


You qq, someone will try to help. Mie chiar imi pasa de oameni, si incerc sa-i ajut. Nu o fac ca sa ma dau mare, sau sa fiu pilduitoarea secolului. O fac pur si simplu fiindca am o dragoste mare pentru oameni.
Chiar daca am avut discutia aia naspa inainte.


Dude, chillax. Serios. Cand faci venturi pe net, normal ca prietenii tai, si chiar si straini vor veni curiosi. Daca chiar nu vrei sa ai parte de discutii ca ale noastre, then close the comment section. (acum ca journals sunt tratate de codul dAului ca deviations, cred ca poti da disable la comments si la ele. Idk, nu m-am uitat bine.)


I'm not over-reacting, you are.

Take a chill-pill and go on. Nu vreau sa avem parte iarasi de o discutie cretina in care te enervezi fara motiv...din nou.


Cum am zis, nu ma mai bag in treaba ta.
Reply
:iconkagisnad:
Kagisnad Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012
Ti-as putea spune acelasi lucru. Nu inteleg care e problema ta cu mine, asa ca cel mai bine facem cum ai spus, nu ne mai amestecam in treburile celeilalte...
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Yeah.


Pai, nu-i greu de inteles:
> Makes qqjournals where problems are expressed
> Gets nice, possible answers to those problems
> RAGE YOU DONT KNOW ME AHABAHNFHF

Sa te astepti in continuare la chestii dinastea, chiar mai rau, daca vei continua cu venturile deschise.

Juuuust saying. Pari noua la lucrurile astea.


/going on
Reply
:iconkagisnad:
Kagisnad Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012
Am inteles.
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Okay
Reply
:iconnagilux:
Nagilux Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012
You're always so good in explaining and expressing yourself :D
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm glad I am! <3 I always feel the exact opposite.

I never manage to express my feelings and ideals integrally through writing, but at least it's enough for you guys to understand them vwv
Reply
:iconnagilux:
Nagilux Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012
XD aww I know that feel, sometimes I manage to express myself in a way everyone can understand but most of the time it's just gibberish ><
But I'm happy to see that it's makes you happy that people understand what you say :D

But I kinda how it feels trying to be nice to everyone and try to help them with their trouble. But all those things just add up to your own problems and when you get so close to people, the more you can get hurt when they start blaming you for things.
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Student General Artist
<3

Ahh yes, exactly. That's one of my biggest pro AND con. ;n;
Reply
:iconnagilux:
Nagilux Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012
Puberty is a bitch XD Really >< Before puberrty I could talk more normally then I can now but I was shyer, now I can't talk normally but it's going better with the shyness.
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Student General Artist
Hormones, man.
Hormones.
Reply
:iconnagilux:
Nagilux Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012
All those feels ><
Reply
:iconjustax90:
Justax90 Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
mfw the tl;dr was tl;dr
mfw I still read all of it
mfw I have no face

Seriously tho, good journal.
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Hahah, thanks <3
Reply
:iconmaraxxuseredexa:
MaraxxusEredexa Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well for this occasion, I don't know what to say because you basically summed up everything I could have said while reading this.

Great journal :v
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Ahh very good! <3

Thanks :3
Reply
:iconhellsingswinged:
Hellsingswinged Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
Haha wow I have tears right now ;u;''
This is so deep but so eye opening and informative ;u;'' Im shit with comment sbut anyways :'D
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Awwe <3

I'm glad it is :3

Naw it's okay, what's important is to understand the message. v3v
Reply
:iconinkdweller:
inkdweller Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I agree. I agree. I agree.
I must say I'm both incredibly joyous to someone expressing such a hopeful yet unclouded or delusional life view. After a hard wake up call a few years ago from my sheltered life, I went through a sort of private mental breakdown. I cried myself to sleep many nights just wondering what I could possibly do, "what control have I in any of this"? I finally found peace in saying that life is just "perfectly imperfect" and I "just feel grateful to be apart of it, thick and thin." Thank you so much for posting your personal insights and experience, I hope many more will find comfort in it.
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Ahh, I'm so glad for you <3

All I wish is to help other people. I'm sure almost everyone goes through this sometime in their lives, I really hope this journal will help them.
Reply
:iconinkdweller:
inkdweller Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:icontableflipplz:
I'm both joyous to find someone...*
Reply
:iconxcollapsix:
xCollapsix Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
I love this so much. I've had similar thoughts and wishes that I can become a new person yet keep past experiences and learn from it. And also just recently I've learnt to never plan so far ahead and have specific dreams, else I'll be more disappointed.
And the school bad aura thing, yeah, I've had to change in order to not get bullied and yeah it worked, but I still get partly bullied which is what I aimed for. Little bullying, and little being mean and it worked enough <3 school's really taught me good shit
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Ahh yes <3 V Good.

You'll always get bullied, well, eventually they'll just make fun in a jokingly way. With years people grow and become much more united as a community.
Reply
:iconxcollapsix:
xCollapsix Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012
Yess, you just gotta learn to take everything as a joke at first else you're an official target
Reply
:iconstarrypoke:
Starrypoke Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Wow, that's deep and very wise :nod:

I see completely what you're getting at here... we don't have bullying at our school (it is very strict about that) but I feel extremely intimidated by people and I never talk in school. Unless I'm talking to close friends or have to reply to someone, I am silent. I am very cautious about the people I let get close to me, because I don't want to be embarrassed by my awkwardness in approaching people. I've been very depressed over it lately, wishing I could be someone else who doesn't have those problems.

If I meet someone new I can be myself and talk, but to people I've been around I don't want to suddenly start being talkative. I just don't want the attention and I don't want people to think I'm weird. I think I may have schizoid personality disorder... I dunno. Can't wait until I'm out of high school and in college so I can start over.

So I can relate. c:
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student General Artist
Ahh man :c

I sometimes have this thing too, but only temporary, which i guess is normal depending on mood.


Have you tried going to a psychologist?
They really help.
Well, mine at least changed my very life. She made me see all these things clear, and made me connect back to the world.


Ahh yes, I can't wait to go to college, too.
I'm going to feel much better in a whole new building, filled with unknown possibilities. I'd feel...totally unbordered. At least, that's what I imagine.
/trying hard not to plan emotions and feels again as to not be disappointed in the end
Reply
:iconstarrypoke:
Starrypoke Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
No, I haven't tried going to a psychologist... We don't have enough money... I did see a counselor once because of problems with my dad but that was only once and she didn't help me at all, just asked me questions.

Yep, college won't be easy, but at least I can start over with people. c:
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Ahh aww :c hope you'll manage sometime, tho
Idk how much psyches cost there

Maybe you can go to the school's psychologist??


Hahh yeah :3
Reply
:iconstarrypoke:
Starrypoke Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Aw, thanks for your concern- I hope to improve someday. c:

We have counselors, and I don't really feel comfortable meeting with them. Because someone would surely find out and soon everybody in the school would know, "oh, they're seeing a counselor."
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Student General Artist
<3

Gahhh yeah I can see how weird it'd be.
Even for yourself
(It'd be for me, too. The school counsellor is also our psych teacher sooo yeah)
Reply
:iconstarrypoke:
Starrypoke Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Yeah, too bad things in life can't just be easy. XD
Reply
:iconnakklevaar:
nakklevaar Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
SMOOCHES YOU so you're doing ok overall?? Did the ignoring friend thing happen recently?? ARE YOU OKAY? AH.

but yeah good journal, a+ post. sorry about the atmosphere in your school, man. you'll be outta there before you know it.
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student General Artist
Ahh yes very recent, but we talked just now.
She, just like me, plans to change her life into better. She's been hanging in crappy antourages way too long. She told me nicely that I shouldn't feel guilty for it, and I should bother with my own problems because she'll be fine.

All she needs is some alone time, and I understand and respect that.

I just freaked out a bit (well? More than a bit) because she's REALLY dear to me, and I thought i wronged her in a way.


Yeah, I thought about moving but it'll be worse and not worth it, just 2 more days left. And i'm actually making social progress sooo yeah.



I'll be fine :3 had a really big breakdown, but i've learned from it today
Thanks to you, mom, and all the other people who've been with me through all my shit


I'm sorry I couldn't come on today, it's late and i was tired and shit </3 it's like 00:24 now ahhhh i will sleep soon

I don't have any homework for tomorrow, maybe we can talk a bit in the morning? :3 i really missed you man aghh and i've been thinking about you and hoping you'll be ok ///wow i worry too much fjjdjf


I just


Love all you guys
So much

*ragehugs*
Reply
:iconnakklevaar:
nakklevaar Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
Hey don't worry about it! I've got thursday and friday off + weekend, so I'll have plenty of time to talk with you!

I'll get up early tomorrow, so totally U 3 U

And yeah I know the feel, losing friends is shitty and sometimes it happens, but I'm glad she just needed some time. I think I've been in her position before, at least with needing space and such.

ANYWAY YEAH MAN I'm glad you're okay, you can freak out on me anytime you want ok
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Waah yey :D


Yup, I'm very glad, too. She still acted like a dick but ehh i'll let it pass.


Aghhgh okay <3 ily
Reply
:iconperocore:
Perocore Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hm, with the school thing I'm more of the opposite...I used to be very outgoing and interacted with others a lot, but I got bullied for that, and I've closed myself off from people...those who once were my friends no longer recognize me...it's interesting...you know..?

I'm glad things are going better, and I hope they stay that way for a while...too bad they can't forever though...but it's important not to try to look to far into the future, and not to stay too far in the past. Just got to focus on now, and only let yourself drift forwards and back in your free time, and only so far. If you go too far it'll driver you more crazy than you (people in general) already are.

I'm sorry, I'm babbling XD
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student General Artist
Ahhh that's so wrong Man *hugs* :c

Like i said...different schools, different "rules".

You shouldn't let them change how you were. Being outgoing is actually a very good thing in general </3 but i can see how hard it was on ypu
As long as you're ok and happy...well...

I personally really like going out, too. I go out at concerts with my bro ad his friends, movies n shit with my sister and HER friends. I love schooltrips. I really love going out.

It's just this crappy school aura that rzins everything and everyone.

Ahh man, exactly! Spot-on with that <3
naww, you can babble as much as you want zo me :3
Reply
:iconperocore:
Perocore Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Eh, I have my small group of friends, I'm content with things B)

Yeah, it's really weird how schools differ...my boyfriend's school is full of really nice, really friendly people who were polite and kind to me...my school is full of...shit.

Yeah, I'm out going with some things (wore suspenders the other day XD), but shy away from others.

That's cool that you do :) I like going places out of state, and to movies, and things like that too :)


Ahahaa, I always babble XD People either burst out laughing while listening to my babbles, or probably think about calling a therapist for me XD XD XD
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Aww that's good :3


Oh wow I'd LOVE to get out of the country sometime again <3 I visited bulgaria and spain once but I HNGER FOR MORE

Pfsshh don't worry, I babble too. Only I sometimes want to say SO MUCH at the same time and I end up losing sense in my words (like this journal).
Reply
:iconmango-kimchi:
Mango-Kimchi Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
aww, I'm glad some things are sorting themselves out :hug:

I've never had any problems in my life, i'm quite a simple person. But i learned a lot from this, glad you posted it :heart: <333
Reply
:iconganja-shark:
Ganja-Shark Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm glad you are :3 simpleness is bliss, really.

And thanks :hug:
Reply
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