Journal Entry: Tue Oct 16, 2012, 1:00 PM
Okay, I'll be trying to make this simple. To explain the latest journal, and to share an experience that might help others that are in the same boat as me.
First things first: The original problem.
Ever since age 10-11 i've developed a very abstract way to see things. I've started thinking more and more how it would've been, If I could control the world. If I could be anything.
Create my worlds, live my worlds, die many times but keep the experiences before.
Rebirthing myself in another body with the experience I have now: I would be great. Phenomenal. I could fix my past mistakes.
And be so much more. Live so much more. Without fearing consequences. The world itself would be my playground.
It has fascinated me since, greatly. ( Monochrome is the artistic embodiment of this abstract emotion and thought.)
It has also been the fuel to my (soon to be developed) depression and suicidal thoughts.
I hate not having control. I hate having to feel bad, when I thought that by dying I would escape this: be a whole other being, a whole other entity, who can only feel happiness and love.
Overthinking this, dwelling in my scenarios, trying to get ahold of 100% in my life.
It doesn't work like that. And I knew that - reason i wanted to die.
I have a beautiful family, good and close friends. A place to live good. A computer. Pets...all kinds of things that others would die for.
And yet I've been so hard to satisfy lately. Everything I do.
And all of this is the produce of my own thought and mentality. And I knew that.
Besides this, I'm a very, VERY emotionally clingy and caring person. I've always had this thought that if I am nice to everyone, everyone will be nice back to me.
I've just had this problem: i've been hurt. My best friend started ignoring me, treating me badly. I felt it was that something bad happened and she needed space. But when she kept going on, I started to feel like it was my fault.
Thanks to my abusive past relationship, I take guilt on everyone's problems.
I always try to fix everyone's problems, because I care about people.
I really do. And if they're hurt, I'm hurt.
This is a great problem for me. I'm sensitive and caring to people, and I expect them to be, too. And I get hurt when proven otherwise, and neither can I go "hey you hurt me!" because i'm thinking about being a burden to the other.
My psychologist helped me a lot on this, she simply told me to stop trying to control everything. I can't.
I've been constantly good and understanding to my best friend, as I've been to my boyfriend.
Something outside of my reach sent them to their emotional decline, not me.
Problem is i've always taken guilt of this.
And, well, the fact I'm having a hard time fitting in this highschool.
This highschool, unlike the other, has a different aura. A bad aura, unwritten rules: if you're not bad to others, we will to you. Follow the herd.
(Even my psych had a few experiments, and noticed that diff highschools have diff auras)
My past classmates, good friends, who transfered to Goethe alongside me , were, most of them, changed.
They were forced to behave badly to others, or risk getting bullied.
I personally couldn't do it. I couldn't change. My being is nice and friendly, I couldn't do it.
Reason I closed myself, reason for which, again, i've been bullied.
Until 8th grade I managed to make a better rep for myself, now in 10th the guys that used to bully me greet me warmly instead.
I'm working now on being more open, more interested, and show my talents.
Whenever i talk to my classmates outside highschool, they're really sweet... Inside, nobody likes this stupid aura.
I'm trying to help everyone get along, i'm trying to make this class be united, just as I was with my first bestie class.
I'm not running from my feelings and shits anymore, I've been doing this for too long.
I'm not planning scenarios, just to be let down.
What happens, happens.
Today was a valuable lesson to me.
- Any pain you feel, you'll feel again sometime. What you gotta do is learn to survive it. Don't run away from it, don't forget it. Live with it, accept it.
- Life is imperfect AND perfect. Mercyful and mercyless. Has its bits of luck, and bits of bad luck.
- Try to achieve satisfaction in the littlest of things...think of everything you've done in a day, even if it was just drinking delicious juice - it still was something done for your heart.
- However much you love someone, and respect someone, that doean't mean you'll get it back. Don't expect. Don't scenario. Shit happens.
Killing yourself won't help you reach what I tried to, what everyone tries to - a perfect life.
Keep the life you've been given precious.
There's so little people like us, sensitive and caring. Too many of us die by overpressure.
Like mom said: Every beautiful thing is equally fragile. We must learn to face and protect ourself from the taint of the world.
I'm posting this here because a lot of artists are like this. Sensitive, their hearts open and dreaming ~ reasons to become an artist.
(Sorry if I was hard to follow, I'm having a hard time expressing myself </3)
Live life as it is. You never know what will happen. Good or bad.
The key is all in your way of thinking. Just your mind.